Despair and Ecstasy

Last year I proposed to the person I thought I would spend my life with. To my astonishment and delight she said yes. We were to be Married May 19th 2018. Unfortunately life had other plans for us.

In early January a fire broke out in our apartment. We lost everything that day. We lost the three balls of fur we call family. Stella, Oso, and Zorro. During the fire i had to make the toughest decision of my life. I had to make the terrible choice of either rescuing our cats or to knowling leave our cats behind to run door to door to awaken people in the house. All because of a faulty fire pull station that did not work.

This decision weighs on me every day. I know I did the right thing, but it eats me up inside more than i care to admit. This sent me into a deep depression. I had the love of my life by my side so the world was not all gray. I had her, my person.

Unfortunately it is not something you find out till it is too late, but we had very different ways of dealing with grief. She was not there when the fire happened so we were going through very different things. I was so depressed and blind to the world around me that I did not stop to think. I did not realize at the time she also needed me. And I was unable to be supportive. A few months before our planned wedding date she left me. I had driven her away because I was ignorant to things around me and was not supportive of her needs. That eats at me every day.

To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I was now going through everything I already had been experiencing, but alone. I have never felt so hopeless, useless, discarded in my entire life. It was a feeling that I would not wish on my worst enemy. I was at rock bottom and I thought I was plummeting even further.

I wish I could say that I just snapped out of the depression but I didn’t. It is still a constant effort to find motivation to do anything. A constant climb back to where i was. But I have recently re-discovered my love for creating things. For dreaming up crazy ideas and seeing how far i can get them. That is the reason behind this blog. I am dedicating my life to bettering myself. To improving my health both physically and mentally.

I have a new life goal. I plan to travel more next year. I have purchased a van and I plan to renovate the entire thing and travel around the US as much as I possibly can next year. This was always a dream of mine, one that my significant other also shared. I am taking this as a sign that now is the time. I wish i could have done it with my person but I have demolished that bridge and I don’t see a way to rebuild it.

Stay tuned for more updates on the van. As well as other miscellaneous projects I dream up and make.  I am going to try to post every three weeks. I plan to start up a youtube channel where I go over the renovation of the van.

I have also launched a site that will be home to all the adventures i go in in my renovated van. 

 

By | 2018-05-23T05:55:14+00:00 April 30th, 2018|Life|1 Comment

One Comment

  1. Nikki May 1, 2018 at 12:59 am - Reply

    ❤️❤️❤️

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